I desire to think more. To process events, conversations, big ideas more fully. Sitting here on our teams' sabbath day (Monday) I have some time to slow down.
I have learned that I am a bit afraid of this down-time. My mind goes to insecurities that have not been addressed and yielded to God. It goes to issues that should have been handled better. Thus my question becomes, in the hard times, in the very scheduled, hard day-to-day, am I trusting God or am I just pushing through? When slowing down brings forth the "sludge" of life....is that human, or is that me not addressing things that should very much be addressed and taken care of?
I have struggled with why we are allowed to bring our lunches to the shelter and eat in front of guests and residents who have no food choice. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. Your body is a temple... I know there is a way to honor and love both God and neighbor by what I eat.
In a high-ratio environment of people with "strong" testimonies and difficult pasts, where do I fit in? I know my sins are just as grave, but it does not mean that I have those experiences with which I can relate.
In all of this, I recognized my need to bring it all to God, first and foremost. Why is it our natural inclination to run to a friend? God of all Glory! Continue to align my heart!
It is overwhelming, wanting to debrief with friends from "back home," be that Jackson or Little Rock, yet not having much time or organized thought. Though the desire is that our friends and family catch this fire that "burns up in our bones," the reality that this is an experience with whom few will be able to relate.
Ah friends. God is good. Hope is real. (I think of how little I really realize this...)
Let His name be praised. :)
-Bri
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
31 May 2010
21 May 2010
What to do when life is painful
Is this what answered prayers are? is this how God talks to me? Am I so blind as to not catch on for several hours that this was an answer to the prayer "show me what love means"?
Back in Little Rock, a slight rain was falling. I walked downstairs and, with things on my mind like going to the store for my mom and heading to Louisville, I was hit with a little bit of a lot of terror. As long as any piece of me is holding back in hopes of fulfilling my own desires, I am not loving. Why am I home for these few days but to serve? Why hesitate when asked to go to the store, take my sister to school...? How can we who died to sin still live in it? (Rom. 6:2) What agony!
I then read this quote on one of my team member's pages:
"Give until it hurts, because real love hurts"- Mother Teresa
I thought it was false by a long shot. Why would real love hurt?
I think it hurts because we still sin. We still struggle. I think it hurts because each day, though the Lord's mercies are new (Praise be to Him!), so are the temptations to live self-absorbed lives. And not necessarily overtly self-absorbed lives, but rather, the reserved love kind of life. The "here are three things I want to do this week and now lets see if I have time to go to the store for my mom, my neighbor..."
I kind of think it should be the other way around.
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days" (Psalm 90:14)
"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth" (Psalm 34:1)
Real love hurts because it is a sacrifice. The sad thing is, the quote does not catch the full picture. Because real love's hurting and sacrifice is in some, inexplicable way linked to joy.
What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul!
When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down
Beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul for my soul,
...
To God and to the Lamb I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb,
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
...
And when from death I’m free
I’ll sing His love for me,
And through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.
Back in Little Rock, a slight rain was falling. I walked downstairs and, with things on my mind like going to the store for my mom and heading to Louisville, I was hit with a little bit of a lot of terror. As long as any piece of me is holding back in hopes of fulfilling my own desires, I am not loving. Why am I home for these few days but to serve? Why hesitate when asked to go to the store, take my sister to school...? How can we who died to sin still live in it? (Rom. 6:2) What agony!
I then read this quote on one of my team member's pages:
"Give until it hurts, because real love hurts"- Mother Teresa
I thought it was false by a long shot. Why would real love hurt?
I think it hurts because we still sin. We still struggle. I think it hurts because each day, though the Lord's mercies are new (Praise be to Him!), so are the temptations to live self-absorbed lives. And not necessarily overtly self-absorbed lives, but rather, the reserved love kind of life. The "here are three things I want to do this week and now lets see if I have time to go to the store for my mom, my neighbor..."
I kind of think it should be the other way around.
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days" (Psalm 90:14)
"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth" (Psalm 34:1)
Real love hurts because it is a sacrifice. The sad thing is, the quote does not catch the full picture. Because real love's hurting and sacrifice is in some, inexplicable way linked to joy.
What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul!
When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down
Beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul for my soul,
...
To God and to the Lamb I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb,
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
...
And when from death I’m free
I’ll sing His love for me,
And through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.
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